There’s a reason Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book Boundaries has over 24,000 five star reviews…I first read it over a decade ago and have picked it back up several times since. The further we got into parenthood, the more we realized how fuzzy the line can be between doing what God is calling our family to do vs. doing what makes friends and family happy… because let’s be honest, those two things aren’t always synonymous. Wouldn’t it just be better to keep the peace and sign our life away out of obligation in our people pleasing nature to make sure other’s are happy? Even if it means that would be an obstacle to the life God is calling us to? Well, it sure feels easier to keep the peace at times, but ease and comfort aren’t what we were made for. What greater way can you honor your father and mother (and therefore all relationships in your life) than by following God’s will for your own family while respecting and loving those other relationships in your life?
The word “boundaries” can sometimes feel sharp, even unloving, especially when we think about applying it to our families. Aren’t families and friends supposed to be all-encompassing, unconditionally supportive, and without limits? While love in these relationships should be unconditional, the concept of healthy boundaries, as brilliantly articulated by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their seminal book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, is not about building walls to keep people out, but about defining where you end and another person begins. It’s about creating space for healthy relationships, personal responsibility, and genuine connection. Far from being selfish, setting boundaries for you and your family is a crucial act of self-respect, maturity, and ultimately, a deeper form of love.
Healthy boundaries allow for genuine love; they prevent resentment, manipulation, and codependency. Setting boundaries within the context of family can be particularly challenging due to emotional history, ingrained patterns, and a deep sense of loyalty. However, it is precisely within these close relationships that boundaries become most vital.
One thing my dad always told me that will forever stick with me as such an example of the profound, surrendered love of a father was, “Never let what we want for you get in the way of God’s will for you.” I can only hope and pray to have that same level of surrender and encouragement for my own adult children one day.Key Takeaways from the Book
Boundaries Model Healthy Behavior for Children: If you are a parent, setting healthy boundaries with your own family and friends (And teaching your children to set their own) is one of the most powerful lessons you can impart. You are teaching them self-respect, emotional intelligence, and how to navigate relationships maturely, breaking cycles of unhealthy patterns. Children need to learn that unconditional love is never taken away from not doing what someone wants them to do.
Boundaries Encourage True Love and Connection: Authentic love thrives in environments of respect and freedom, not obligation or manipulation. When boundaries are clear, relationships become more honest, open, and genuinely loving because each person is choosing to engage, rather than feeling forced or trapped.
Boundaries Foster Mutual Respect: When you seat a boundary, you are communicating your value and limits. This teaches others how to treat you and, reciprocally, shows them that you also respect their boundaries. Without boundaries, relationships can devolve into unspoken expectations, resentment, and a lack of true autonomy.
Boundaries Promote Personal Responsibility: When we have clear boundaries, we stop enabling others’ unhealthy behaviors and encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives and happiness. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is ultimately empowering for everyone involved.
Boundaries Allow for Personal Growth: Without boundaries, your identity can become enmeshed with others, hindering your ability to pursue your unique call from God. True, authentic friendship challenges us to grow in the ways we need, not stay stagnant. It holds us accountable to necessary change instead of justifying why we don’t need change.
Implementing Boundaries
Be prepared- setting boundaries is a process, not a one time event. It can be met with resistance, guilt trips, or even anger and envy, as others may be accustomed to the old dynamics that “better served” their personal desires.
You can control how you speak: clearly and lovingly. You cannot control how people will receive your boundaries. Especially for those who are used to getting people to do what they want them to do, your boundaries will likely feel like the opposite of love to them.
Be consistent and prepared for pushback. Inconsistency sends mixed signals, whereas consistency is a gift to all involved. Understand that discomfort is a normal part of the process, particularly for those who benefited from the old dynamic.
Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about inviting them into a healthier, more respectful relationship. It’s an act of charitable maturity that ultimately cultivates deeper love, greater integrity, and true peace within your family and yourself!