As another May rolls around, my social media feed fills to the brim with awards and ceremonies. While there are good and sweet things about this, the sheer extent of it in our culture leaves me with a strange gut feeling. It started me pondering: just how beneficial, or dare I say, not beneficial, is it for kids to be rewarded for every little achievement? It made me wonder, what if our kids got just as much praise and positive feedback for who they are and their growth in character, faith, and virtue, as they do for their winning accolades? When kids see their whole family cheering for their accomplishments this frequently, do they start to believe their worth is in what they do, not who they are, even if that’s not our intention?
Walk into many children’s bedrooms today, and you’ll likely see them: shelves laden with glittering trophies, overflowing medal racks, and walls adorned with certificates. Our culture has become obsessed with external validation for children’s achievements. We believe these shiny symbols will motivate them and build confidence.
While genuine recognition is good in moderation, society has taken it to an extreme. Almost every effort, no matter how small, now comes with a tangible reward. This even extends to school reading programs, where kids earn prizes for reading from specific lists, subtly discouraging them from exploring books they truly love.
What if this well-intentioned shower of accolades is backfiring? What if focusing so heavily on extrinsic motivation—rewards like trophies—is stifling the very qualities we want to cultivate: intrinsic motivation, a love of learning, and a passion for mastery? Research in psychology points to potential downsides. Let’s explore why chasing the next shiny object might harm a child’s long-term development.
The Problem with the Paycheck Mentality in Childhood
Extrinsic motivation means engaging in an activity for external rewards. Intrinsic motivation is doing something because it’s inherently enjoyable. While extrinsic motivators work short-term (and may work well temporarily in some situations), research shows hidden costs for children.
- Eroding Intrinsic Motivation: Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan (Self-Determination Theory, 1985) highlight the “overjustification effect.” When an intrinsically motivated activity (like playing for joy) is heavily rewarded extrinsically, internal motivation can diminish. The child associates the activity with the reward, not its inherent satisfaction. Studies show children rewarded for drawing spend less time on it and show less interest once rewards are removed, compared to those who drew for pleasure.
2. Fostering a “What’s In It For Me?” Mindset: When every effort ties to a reward, children develop a “paycheck” mentality. Their focus shifts from effort and improvement to simply getting the prize. This reduces resilience when facing challenges, as the process holds less value.
3. Diminishing Creativity and Risk-Taking: If the goal is merely to win an award, children are less likely to take creative risks. They stick to known methods rather than experimenting. Innovation thrives where failure is a learning opportunity, not a barrier to a medal.
4. Increased Pressure and Anxiety: Constant external stakes (ribbons, grades) can create pressure in situations where children are just learning a skill as a beginner and for fun. The fear of not winning can lead to anxiety, burnout, and disinterest.
5. Misinterpreting Success and Failure: Trophies can mislead about success. Real success often lies in effort, resilience, and growth, not just winning. Children measured by external validation may struggle to appreciate their own progress without a tangible prize.
The Beauty of the Hidden Life: A Christian Perspective
From a Christian perspective, our modern emphasis on external accolades (when taken out of moderation) often contradicts the beauty and grace of the “hidden life”—quiet acts of love and sacrifice without public recognition. Many profound vocations (raising a family, caring for others) demand immense sacrifice with no guaranteed awards. Today’s culture, by conditioning us to expect a prize for every effort, ill-prepares us for this reality.
The Christian call is to live, work, and give full effort for the glory of God. Teaching children to give their full effort for God’s glory prepares them for lives of profound purpose and intrinsic satisfaction, whether seen by the world or not. Matthew 6:19-21 comes to mind as it says, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth… But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven… For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” teaching that true reward lies beyond earthly recognition, and often comes with purposeful suffering and lack of praise (insert motherhood :)).
Shifting Towards Intrinsic Motivation: What Parents Can Do
Moving away from an extrinsic focus doesn’t mean ignoring achievements or not celebrating in moderation when celebration is due; it means shifting how we acknowledge them.
- Praise Effort and Process, Not Just Outcome: Focus on perseverance and strategy (“Your perseverance is amazing!”).
- Emphasize Enjoyment and Passion: Ask, “What was fun? What was challenging?” or “What did you learn?”
- Focus on Mastery and Improvement: Encourage self-comparison and celebrate personal growth. We don’t need to make sure they are the best in the class, or the best on the team, but rather be the best version of themselves God desires for them to be!
- Provide Opportunities for Autonomy: Let children choose activities they genuinely enjoy, without you projecting your own desire for them to win onto them.
- Advocate for Focus on the Process and Love of Learning: Encourage teachers to have more focus on the beauty in the process of learning and kids’ following passions and falling in love with learning, instead of bribing with incentives to read the most, etc.
In a world saturated with external pressures, giving our children the space to discover and nurture their own internal drivers is one of the most powerful gifts we can offer. It is in the quiet, often unseen efforts, free from the constant expectation of recognition, that true, lasting character is forged. This prepares them not just for earthly success, but for a life rooted in genuine purpose and service, regardless of whether a shiny object ever commemorates their sacrifice.