(These notes were taken from a three part series of talks given by Deacon Patrick and LuAnn Simons in Omaha, Nebraska on fostering discernment for vocations within the home.)
Tips to Implement in the Home
As parents, we model prioritizing a life of generosity and selflessness over one of gluttony and materialism; we try to prioritize reflecting things of heaven rather than the things of the world.
We keep faith at the center of our family life and take time to re-evaluate to make sure work, shopping, entertainment, sports and wealth are not at the center of our family life.
Pray the morning prayer together with your spouse for your children.
We truly keep Sunday as a day of rest. We do this by doing even more spiritual activity on a Sunday than just mass. We do a weekly holy hour as a family (nothing tells your children more about the faith than the Eucharist).
Encourage holy friendships – They call us to be higher and better versions of ourselves and help us strive for sainthood.
We model detachment from material things and the accumulation of goods.
We teach that our goals must be higher than worldly success (“For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”) Resist the temptation to impose your will on the child,
rather be the one who helps him/her hear God’s will. Every action and word must come out of love for God and your child.
Chores teach children to serve and be grateful for what they have which will serve them well in any vocation they are called to in life.
This requires enough time at home together to be of service to the household and a schedule of order. Remind your children that they are not truly happy until they are giving themselves away to fully help another in vocation.
How we talk to our children can reinforce worldly or Godly priorities: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” vs. “What do you think God is calling you to do when you grow up?”
Your mindset: Honestly ask yourself, “Would I see my child’s discernment of vocation as a gift or a loss?” The world tells us a call to religious life is something to grieve and we cannot believe this deception.
Teaching the skill of silencing, stillness and listening: Adoration. Create an environment where kids grow to feel true happiness in seeking and following God’s will.
We are constantly being inspired by God in every moment…is there enough quiet and still time in our life to be aware of it?
Help teach kids to learn to hear God’s still voice even amidst family and friends’ loud and opinionated voices, as well as that of the worldly media that is so opposed to our natural call.
Examine: Are you and your spouse living for God? What can you change to help get your family to Heaven? How much time do your kids spend on activities, school, entertainment, phones,
worldly things vs how much time do they see you spending on faith? Actions speak louder than words.
Conversation Tips
Schedule one night a week for the oldest child to stay up with mom and dad as a time to share hopes and dreams, fears, and discernment questions. Discernment will bring up all emotions from joy to detachment/numbness and they are all part of the process. Don’t shut down these by giving quick answers to problem solve during this time; instead, focus on the relationship and connect.
1. Listen: Listen to your child speak about his/her hopes, fears and questions of discernment. Allow pauses and be fully focused. When there is a pause, reflect back what the child said and acknowledge his/her feelings. Don’t project your own feelings and don’t jump to conclusions. Projecting your own wishes only creates self-doubt in your child. Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you the words.
2. Empathize: Empathy is the attempt to understand the experience of another. Go beyond your own parental concern to share in their feelings. Telling your child you understand his/her feelings, even if it is a stretch, does tremendous things in strengthening your relationship and will make them more open and receptive to advice later on. If you or your child has fear around vocation, fear is okay, but it is not okay to run and hide from the fear-we need to help him/her confront the fear (visit a monastery, etc.).
3. Affirm: Do not brush feelings aside or say, “Oh it will all work out.” Affirm a real action or gift of your child, which is different than telling them, “You’re doing so great!” This requires so much mindfulness and attention. The natural reaction is to make the kid’s problem go away quickly, but we need to take the time to sit in their his/her feeling for a minute and seek to understand. Ask more questions to learn.
4. Question: Don’t fire millions of questions. Question to better understand in a gentle and non-confrontational manner. Use the “Future Projection Question”: “Close your eyes and imagine yourself 10 years from now. You’ve been married with 4 kids…you’ve been a priest for 5 years and administering the sacraments…how do you feel?” Emotion has the root word of motor. Our emotions move us. God places clarity on us, at times through emotion, so always be attuned to your child’s emotions as they think of vocation.
5. Recommend: If it is necessary to voice your concern, do it. If your child asks for your advice, encourage him/her to pray, read applicable books, seek spiritual direction, and anything else that points him/her in the direction of better hearing God’s voice instead of sweeping their words and feelings aside.
***The will of God is found in a sense of peace. It is a long journey and process to help your child arrive here. Be intentional.
How to Help Your Children Find Meaning in Life
Discernment is ultimately about discovering the happiness God created you for. It is not about how to make your son or daughter become a priest or nuns, rather it is about providing an environment in which a sense of wonder, curiosity, and recollected silence allows children to hear God’s voice in their lives. God’s call is necessary/essential not just “one option among many”. It is God who initiates this.
Discernment comes from the Latin word dis-cernere which means “to sift”. Parents help kids hear God’s voice by teaching them how to sift through the noise of the world in order to connect with God in prayer.
Exodus 4 – God directs us through the wilderness of the world.
Connectedness with God = Relationship with God
Relationship with God = Pathway to Holiness/Happiness
Parents should prioritize providing a family culture that puts more effort in what is good, true and beautiful since the time you spend together as a family will cultivate or stunt this sense of wonder.
Occupation (financial support, day to day tasks) vs. Vocation (specifically serving God outside of the norm): In the bible we see God calling Matthew to serve Him out of his tax job. In Exodus Moses had wonder and curiosity, God called him from the burning bush to serve Him.
How to Help Your Children Find Purpose in Life
Testimony: Deacon Mark and Lynne Capoun – He met his wife Lynne at a retreat at ProSanctity and is a 2nd generation deacon. They have always had a great desire to grow in holiness in their marriage. Their youngest son, Luke, is currently in the Seminary at St. Paul in Minnesota.
They encourage you to let faith permeate your daily lives. Their devotional life has included Liturgy of the Hours, Divine Mercy Chaplets, and Scriptural Reading. They have been involved in the Church through being Eucharistic Ministers and Lectors, a Family Life Committee at their parish, and their kids were always involved in serving as well. All four of their children were altar servers from 7th to 9th grade. They also became Eucharitsic Ministers and were in music ministry. They were in discipleship groups at Skutt Catholic High School and their faith blossomed at UNO-JPII Newman Center. They believe a strong Church community helps shape and form children. They trusted that God would care for their son who felt called to the seminary and they have been supportive no matter what.
Vocation comes from the Latin word Vocare which means “to call” by God to live out our lives according to His plan. This reminds us that it is God’s initiative.
It is our job as parents to help our children devote themselves to the service of God, to strive for holiness, which is a common universal vocation.
Since all vocations are under assault in some way in our world today, it is important to pray for your children’s vocation- that they will discern vocations to the religious life or find good, strong Catholic spouses who are kind and loving. That they will remain strong and steadfast in their Faith; that they will pass the Faith on to any children they may be blessed with; and that they live a rightly ordered life. We continually pray that God may grant our children the gift of vocational discernment.
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